you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
