can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
