I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
