just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
