I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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