You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
