my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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