I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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