I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
