i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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