Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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