Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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