he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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