while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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