Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
