I accidentally had phone sex last night
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
