don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
