shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
did i walk over a car last night?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Dear god my vagina.
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