I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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