Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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