I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
