i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I need water and some morals
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
