Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
