i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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