Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
