Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
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