I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
