Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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