just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
