I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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