Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
