i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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