First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
