I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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