ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Randomize
