there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Randomize
