What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
