im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
