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We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
