tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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