mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
