Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i think i just lost a toe
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
