Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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