just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
