if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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