I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
