So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
