I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
