clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
soo... how was my night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
