I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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