The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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