Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We have started to decorate penises.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Randomize
