You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
